Why Stress Yourself Out?

30^th August 2010

I took Sophia away for a few days to see my mum in Redcar. We visited Whitby for the day and Sophia was spoilt rotten as usual. Well right now all my mum has is Sophia. The other grand children she has no contact with.  It was a well deserved break as short as it was.

But when I returned home this evening I was greeted with the pots from when I left and a nasty odour. My heart sank and the anger returned. I dialled Steve’s number and asked, Were you home at all during the four days I was away? His reply was I’ll ring you back? Which he did not!

This man is treating me like an idiot!

Ok the excuse is his hand is still sore. Well put a bloody rubber glove on it and what about the food bin? I look around no pots have been used over that four day period. Everything is as I left it on Monday. The heart ache I feel leaves me close to tears. Is this man trying to make me ill? Or am I totally insane? Because that’s how I feel.

I cleaned up the kitchen and give Sophia a sandwich for her tea.

It has been a year now from my diagnoses of breast cancer. Yet it feels like only yesterday I was going through tests. I’ve been reading various pieces written on posts on my FB page.

Why is it that if you are an alcoholic or drug addict you receive all the help you need? People even take the time to fill in the forms to make sure you get the help you need financially or physically. Yet when someone has cancer they have to fight all the way. The system is so one sided to the real victims.

I choose not to drink alcohol or take drugs. Does that mean I am worth less in society? Cancer leaves those affected vulnerable and worthless. Some of the women have never received help financially in their lives. So the one time they need it, they do not know where to begin. Yes you can go see citizens advice or phone them. If you are lucky maybe the breast care nurse handling your care will give you some pointers.

But the frustration that follows a lengthy wait and then for you to be turned away puts women off. 

Why stress yourself out even further than you already are? So they remain in work instead of taking time out to recover. Or they are forced to remain in work because the help they requested was refused.

I personally have requested no help even though I may be entitled to it. I have chosen like many others to keep going, but when the cracks show who is to blame? Who takes responsibility for those women who crack under the pressure.

The list of female names affected by breast cancer on my FB page gets longer by the day. But some of those names will vanish because the help they needed was not there. We take comfort in the fact we are a community of women who can share advice and experiences. Make senses out of non-sense, but there are always new faces to be added to that list. With the same question that cannot be answered.

Why me?  

My darling husband has informed me that his cousin wants to hold her birthday party at our home once again. The sheer arrogance of the women grates on me. She has my phone number why not ask me first? The last time she held her party. I could not leave the mess alone that greeted me in the morning.

The truth is I don’t want the party held here. Why should I? Steve has come across as having zero consideration for me and I don’t want to be a hostess.

Personally I would prefer she had the party elsewhere. Then I will not have the stress, but Steve would not take the time out to go if it was. It is another reason for him to play lord of the falling down manor he resides over.

But what about me and the affects it is having on me! I shout from the rafters without anyone listening.  

This women is vanity walking and god forbid she never has to face breast cancer herself. She is stunning and very high maintenance.   

Her point clearly spoken on my treatment of the cancer is get on with life. (If only I could!) I have had my mastectomy and treatment is done. (Sorry I have five years of check-ups!) Steve’s cousin even said she would of insisted the next breast be removed too if she had it. (Easy said than done!They are not listening and will not listen to the facts. Once you have had breast cancer it don’t just go away. It remains in the back of your mind festering with what if’s..

Each and every time I feel I am placed in a dark place because I cannot say No!

Steve says I should speak out more, but I feel if I speak out it will course more issues then solve them.

So what choice do I have?

I have set conditions in place this time round. She must clean up after the party because I am not doing it! Whatever bits she needs doing she must do herself because I am not doing it! Yes this comes across as self centred, but I must put me first.

The last party she had at my home I decorated the house for her, but not this time. She had cleaned up bits and bats while her party was in full swing, but it is the after math that I face in the morning I dread. When I saw her that night leave my home with a male friend I knew what my position was. Steve had insisted I leave it alone and his cousin would clean it up on her return, but this is supposed to be my home. If anything Steve should of been cleaning up behind her that day because it was his cousin. Yes, her two sons remained behind to help clean up in the morning too, but it still feels like liberties are going to be taken.

Last time when she returned the following morning at 11am. Her sons were grumbling about cleaning without her and I had packed most of it away anyway. Is this what I have to face again? I don’t think so! I am tired of being a door mat and others walking all over me.