Here's To A Better New Year!

30^th December 2009

I see the same male registrar as last week. The results he gives me show that all is normal with my right breast, but to me it does not explain the pain or the swelling I have. I am not happy with what I am being told. My breast care nurse is not present so I decide to ring her when I get home. The facts are they have conveniently forgotten or misplaced a piece of paper saying there was a small lump in the right breast from the start.  The fact that my breast swelled up and they only got one sample by ultra sound which is not as reliable as a mammogram biopsy sets alarms off. I know I am not an oncologist, but I am seriously worried.

31^st December 2009

Happy new year, at least that is what I hope happens. A new year a fresh beginning and my results remain clear. You would have thought Steve would of planned something romantic. But nope, the fact is wife is still alive should have spurred him into action. Instead I’m cleaning pots and stacking stuff away. We sit on the sofa together and watch the fireworks on the millennium wheel on television.

“Next year I’m taking Sophia to watch it in person.” I say to Steve.  

He agrees but we need to go in a big group. Part of me just wants to take Sophia on my own to avoid the hassle because I know it will go pear shaped.  

My father would try to make a big thing of the new year. We had our own Big Ben, it’s a ships bell. We would take it in turns to ring in the new year has children and my dad was proud to look on.

I wish Sophia had that memory to keep just like her big sister. Instead she’s tucked up in bed like every other night. Steve is content to watch his life fly by, but I am not. I want to do things and experience new things. The effort Steve applies in picking up a can of beer and playing the Xbox is my visual experience for the day. Unless he organises a party to have at the house. This means I have to wash more dishes and clean yet again. The house is a mess and needs loads of things to fix it, but that is not important to Steve. I Look at my husband and question why?