I am Not Selfish, I Just Know Wrong From Right!

The only time I have found peace is when I have withdrawn
myself into a celibate life style. It was me in control pulling the strings
with none of the drama of having a man intrude on my personal space. When I
married my now husband I did not see the wave I was surfing on. Nor the baggage
that was in the way that would create an extra burden.

A friend asked me, Sarah why remain in a situation when you
are being punished for being you. I replied well I just can’t keep running
away. Her reply but there is no running involved because you have become a  egg in a bubbling pan that has been placed on
a high flame. To her I did not deserve any of what I have gone through or the
stress my husband was adding. I had gone to my husband literally looking for
answers and he has kept me on a long boil. The only problem with this is what
happens when the water runs out? What top it up and boil some more or will the
egg be too damaged to continue? I believed in heart of hearts Daddies visit could of built a
bridge of hope, but no.

I tend to blame me for being me and look for forgiveness
when really there is no forgiveness involved. The real issues within our
relationship will never be addressed if both sides do not face their mistakes and move on.
Being held to emotional ransom as punishment is very cold, in fact it is
dangerous.

My verbal lash outs and behaviour he says he has to find away, if he can,
too forgive. He speaks like all the issues are with me and how my selfish
behaviour has put our relationship in this dark space. This I find an insult
not only to my intelligence, but to my whole being. When I go into a relationship
I concentrate solely on an individual. Do not get me wrong I still find a
percentage of my time to continue what I am trying to achieve. Only a fool
would shut themselves totally down from reality and concentrate on one person. Is
that the selfish bit he is complaining about? My friends burst out laughing
when I told them his excuse for me being shut out. To them I have been more
than accommodating to his needs and he should not throw such large stones
without the full impact of his behaviour being addressed too. To get a true image of the why’s and what for’s
the full story must be in place. And four years of stress can cloud one’s mind
with questions that now are not relevant. To them if I had neglected Sophia’s
needs then fine or had a affair sure it explain a lot, but his replies are both
selfish and manipulative to validate his behaviour in desperation to hide the facts. Not once has he taken responsibility
only issued orders which only suited him. It is only natural for an individual
who has had her independence to rebel and go her own way. This trait of my personality was never hidden from view.

The only time I say enough is enough is when my back is up
against wall. I have put 100% into trying to make my marriage work, but every
marriage faces a glitch or clash especially when someone’s attention is
diverted elsewhere.

But should I be punished or shunted into a false sense of security?

I have had a whole year of no physical contact from my
husband. Not a romantic kiss. Touch or caress. We talk; we smile, but zero
passion. The torture of lying next to someone that shows no mercy is worse than
being punched. The mental strain it places me under is unbearable at times, but
you begin to find a routine to block the pain out. It is only when something
reminds you of what you should have that the tears of frustration want to flow.

I have had two years
of torment at the hands of the big C. Why should I be punished any further? How
much should the screams in my pit of my stomach be muffled for his comfort? How
long should I crawl?  Does that sound
like a selfish woman? I want the truth, but his truth and my truth do not mix.
All I can do is keep moving forward and forge my own path because I have too
for my young daughter and my well-being. This is not selfish behaviour it is the survival instinct of a woman who has been crucified for what she believes is right.

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The Plus and the Minus

Yesterday we went to my husband’s presentation of awards ceremony. He now has officially received his Bachelor of Engineering with Honours in Building Services Engineering. I should be pleased, but the four years of hell I had to go through I cannot forget. Two years of which I have an imposter and a scar across my back to remind me. I understand my husband’s needs, but my needs dribbled into some crevice to be ignored. I had to struggle by juggling him, his sister and son, two kids and finding money we did not have. Now I am left to make sense out of all that had happened and somehow move forward.

Me and his daddy had a quiet word whilst Steve hob knobbed amongst his peers fluffing his plumage. He mentioned how he liked how I took control over the photos of his son all gowned up that I talked sense into his son over the amount of pictures that were required and cost. I said daddy believe it or not there is a lot you do not know about this relationship. The truth be known I would sooner divorce your son and that is no joke. All of what you see is about Steve not the people who had to be dragged along with it. Where is my eldest daughter Kayleigh? Why is she not here? That is the question you should ask yourself not the cost of a few pictures.

There are some things that I am not freely able to divulge on my blog and my eldest daughter I must respect. I love her to bits, but thankfully she has moved on and is now finding her own path in life.

Daddy was taken aback by my outspoken words after all now is not the time, but when is the right time in my eye. I look at Steve and now I ask myself what next? Where is my relationship going? The old Steve is returning, but for how long? What is making this man tick? I have made myself transparent and people can see what I am trying to do. Or at least that is what I believe to be so, but Steve is sticking to his plan. He repeats these words over and over ‘Stick to the plan.’ You upset the man he says that at the end of his rant, but what is his plan?

Every decision I make it involves all who come into contact with me. I see how if I move in certain directions I can make a difference not just with me, but with those who are around me also. I share my abilities knowing they can make a difference like father, like daughter. I follow by my father’s influence he never thought of number one when trying to do something. He bought a speed boat and realised only a few people could enjoy the ride out to sea. So he changed it for a cabin cruiser so more people could enjoy it. With Steve it is number one except for this damned BBQ he has, but even that is about fluffing his plumage. What is he trying to prove?

I turned to daddy and I said look at the end of the day I except your son for who he is. I just wish the feelings were mutual because the few days you have been here you have put him right without you even knowing it. I have had to fight for the freedom to do what I am doing now and you have confirmed all what I have said to him in a matter of a few days. He looked at me and said you must fight it is not easy in choppy waters.

Then Steve says he wants to do a Masters... and I smile at daddy...

I and daddy spoke today for hours about everything I laid everything bare with no tears. I explained how the house moved and the people that are in it. He sat and listened and when it got to intense when it came to talking about the breast cancer he told me to stop. I understood that the pain of losing his wife to BC is still as fresh today as it was then. He just said, but you must fight. He is right you must take the plus and the minus and make it work. If it does not work then so be it, but we must try at least not just give in.

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Doubt, doubt, and more bloody stress!

We all have a calendar/ diary with certain dates locked in place. We fall back on these diaries/dates because of the constant questions that arise at appointments. July has never been my favourite month so to have my father die and my BC journey start on that month two years ago was no surprise. People find it odd as well because it is my birthday month, but I have never felt the need to celebrate it.
To distract me from my glum day I go check other blog posts. One of the posts goes into great detail about marriages ironic really because I gave up on my marriage sometime back. Then I think about the examples of marriage that I have acquired and it is bloody understandable. Most of the people I know are onto their second or third marriage by now.

I was an immature twit when I said marriage is for life and you’re in it for the long haul or not at all. You think about infidelity, but not the constant morning farts from some mans arse that turns your stomach. What happened to prince charming that could do anything and everything without a tear shed? Does he even exist?

I understand where my fellow blogger is coming from with her written word. She had found prince charming and lost him to the very disease she too has had to face. CANCER!

She questions why remain in a situation if you are unhappy? I am not unhappy just a little pissed off. I so wanted my marriage to be the one that actually survived, but I have only doubt left. To me you absorb the punches until the time is right. No my husband is not abusive or I to him, but I have slung a plate or two in frustration outside to release the steam building up. Only to realise I have to spend more money to replace them so I have given up on slinging plates. It isn't cost affective and men do highlight that problem.

Since my husband finished his University degree he is making more of an effort to patch the differences up. He has even admitted he has neglected his obligation slightly which is a beginning. In fact I would actually say the old Steve is back, but I ask myself is that because his father is stopping for three weeks and he is trying to soften me up. Doubt, doubt, and more bloody stress! with every marriage there is always the odd thistle.

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