I am Not Selfish, I Just Know Wrong From Right!

The only time I have found peace is when I have withdrawn
myself into a celibate life style. It was me in control pulling the strings
with none of the drama of having a man intrude on my personal space. When I
married my now husband I did not see the wave I was surfing on. Nor the baggage
that was in the way that would create an extra burden.

A friend asked me, Sarah why remain in a situation when you
are being punished for being you. I replied well I just can’t keep running
away. Her reply but there is no running involved because you have become a  egg in a bubbling pan that has been placed on
a high flame. To her I did not deserve any of what I have gone through or the
stress my husband was adding. I had gone to my husband literally looking for
answers and he has kept me on a long boil. The only problem with this is what
happens when the water runs out? What top it up and boil some more or will the
egg be too damaged to continue? I believed in heart of hearts Daddies visit could of built a
bridge of hope, but no.

I tend to blame me for being me and look for forgiveness
when really there is no forgiveness involved. The real issues within our
relationship will never be addressed if both sides do not face their mistakes and move on.
Being held to emotional ransom as punishment is very cold, in fact it is
dangerous.

My verbal lash outs and behaviour he says he has to find away, if he can,
too forgive. He speaks like all the issues are with me and how my selfish
behaviour has put our relationship in this dark space. This I find an insult
not only to my intelligence, but to my whole being. When I go into a relationship
I concentrate solely on an individual. Do not get me wrong I still find a
percentage of my time to continue what I am trying to achieve. Only a fool
would shut themselves totally down from reality and concentrate on one person. Is
that the selfish bit he is complaining about? My friends burst out laughing
when I told them his excuse for me being shut out. To them I have been more
than accommodating to his needs and he should not throw such large stones
without the full impact of his behaviour being addressed too. To get a true image of the why’s and what for’s
the full story must be in place. And four years of stress can cloud one’s mind
with questions that now are not relevant. To them if I had neglected Sophia’s
needs then fine or had a affair sure it explain a lot, but his replies are both
selfish and manipulative to validate his behaviour in desperation to hide the facts. Not once has he taken responsibility
only issued orders which only suited him. It is only natural for an individual
who has had her independence to rebel and go her own way. This trait of my personality was never hidden from view.

The only time I say enough is enough is when my back is up
against wall. I have put 100% into trying to make my marriage work, but every
marriage faces a glitch or clash especially when someone’s attention is
diverted elsewhere.

But should I be punished or shunted into a false sense of security?

I have had a whole year of no physical contact from my
husband. Not a romantic kiss. Touch or caress. We talk; we smile, but zero
passion. The torture of lying next to someone that shows no mercy is worse than
being punched. The mental strain it places me under is unbearable at times, but
you begin to find a routine to block the pain out. It is only when something
reminds you of what you should have that the tears of frustration want to flow.

I have had two years
of torment at the hands of the big C. Why should I be punished any further? How
much should the screams in my pit of my stomach be muffled for his comfort? How
long should I crawl?  Does that sound
like a selfish woman? I want the truth, but his truth and my truth do not mix.
All I can do is keep moving forward and forge my own path because I have too
for my young daughter and my well-being. This is not selfish behaviour it is the survival instinct of a woman who has been crucified for what she believes is right.

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Beauty V's The Beast

When I did my photo shoot even when I did the calendar shot in 2010 I still do not see what others see. Those images are not about vanity even though it may look that way. They are about paying off my debts and regaining my independents within a currently strained marriage.
Yes, I am a confident individual who hides behind her voice i.e. I talk a lot, but I am no different to any other women who have gone through this disease head on. My needs are important and I wanted to show my husband look I am still Sarah. I am better than the old Sarah and don’t you forget it. I have become more confident, wiser and not so shallow with my attitude to my own mortality.

Before cancer I would say you know what I’m a background person not a person who poses for a camera. This is because I was told that is the position best suited to me. This is still true because I am comfortable being in the role where no-one sees me. I like to help others, not bathe in the sunlight of false compliments.

Me in red, Brother in middle, Eldest sister in tartan dress, youngest sister
of head back.  

This Sunday gone there were 127 images taken of me in various poses? On returning home I chose twelve that I feel are ok to gain work in a competitive industry. When I placed those images on my FB page it was for my mother to see because growing up I was told I was the ugly sibling. My mother peeks onto my blog every now and then, but she finds I talk about cancer too much. So for her to see those images and invite a neighbour to see them was my way of saying, ‘Look what I have achieved in such a short space of time.’ I am slowly moving away from the doubt which was instilled in me as a child.

2004 I had just discovered I was pregnant
Me and mum chatting in garden..

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I received a card from my eldest sister and all I thought was well I am the ugly sister and now I am going to become even more distorted. Even though I was happy to be where I was Mother Nature wanted to make life harder. I grumbled and burned that card because I knew for me to walk with my head high I had to keep those cobwebs of pain at bay. To me receiving that card was not out of concern; it was to weaken an already weakened and worried mind.

We are born to be who we are we just have to learn that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The beholder is you and once you realise that you are half way there. None of us are Kate Moss because she is Kate Moss. Visually I may think I am ugly, but for some reason I shine. And the shine attracts people with a belief that my shine is beautiful. People may doubt my sincerity and believe I am talking crap, but trust me the most beautiful of people have the ugliest of shines. I know because in this industry you see plenty of them. That is why they are fighting to be noticed. Personally it is not about me being noticed even though that is involved. I just want my debts cleared, but if I gain anything else I know it is because of my journey that I shine hard not because of my looks.

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Doubt, doubt, and more bloody stress!

We all have a calendar/ diary with certain dates locked in place. We fall back on these diaries/dates because of the constant questions that arise at appointments. July has never been my favourite month so to have my father die and my BC journey start on that month two years ago was no surprise. People find it odd as well because it is my birthday month, but I have never felt the need to celebrate it.
To distract me from my glum day I go check other blog posts. One of the posts goes into great detail about marriages ironic really because I gave up on my marriage sometime back. Then I think about the examples of marriage that I have acquired and it is bloody understandable. Most of the people I know are onto their second or third marriage by now.

I was an immature twit when I said marriage is for life and you’re in it for the long haul or not at all. You think about infidelity, but not the constant morning farts from some mans arse that turns your stomach. What happened to prince charming that could do anything and everything without a tear shed? Does he even exist?

I understand where my fellow blogger is coming from with her written word. She had found prince charming and lost him to the very disease she too has had to face. CANCER!

She questions why remain in a situation if you are unhappy? I am not unhappy just a little pissed off. I so wanted my marriage to be the one that actually survived, but I have only doubt left. To me you absorb the punches until the time is right. No my husband is not abusive or I to him, but I have slung a plate or two in frustration outside to release the steam building up. Only to realise I have to spend more money to replace them so I have given up on slinging plates. It isn't cost affective and men do highlight that problem.

Since my husband finished his University degree he is making more of an effort to patch the differences up. He has even admitted he has neglected his obligation slightly which is a beginning. In fact I would actually say the old Steve is back, but I ask myself is that because his father is stopping for three weeks and he is trying to soften me up. Doubt, doubt, and more bloody stress! with every marriage there is always the odd thistle.

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