Pandora's Box

25^th August 2010

Well I have booked my tickets for the calendar shoot in Birmingham and Sharon is doing loads of work to promote it. This women is on a mission without a doubt. I must admit me parading in underwear or swimwear is making me nervous. I don’t see myself as model material more so since the operation. When anyone ever mentioned the fact I maybe attractive I would blank it out. But it would be nice for someone to show me a different side. It is a well deserved distraction to the hum drum life I lead.

Calendar shoot will be personal milestone for women who have fought breast cancer

BRAVE women who have undergone surgery for breast cancer are to don their swimsuits to pose for a charity calendar.

The calendar project is being led by Sharon Fox, the Herald columnist who has been charting her battle with the disease and has teamed up with a major international lingerie and swimwear stockist, who are launching a new mastectomy range.

Around 20 women who have had mastectomies or lumpectomies have already signed up to be photographed for the calendar.

Sharon said: "The photo shoot for the calendar is taking place on September 10, 11 and 12 in Birmingham.

"I have been very surprised with the response I have had, it has been great.

"I think taking part in this is a personal achievement for the ladies, it is about restoring confidence, looks and feeling glamorous for a day."

All profits from the calendar will go to The Sharon Fox Cancer Centre, Breakthrough Breast Cancer and St Giles Hospice.

I spoke to Steve’s dad on the phone tonight. He does not know I have had breast cancer. When chatting he asked me when I was going to have his grandson. After all Sophia was getting big now and a grandson with the Mendoza surname would make him happy.

The fact that he already had a grandson was not the point. It had to have his surname to follow on tradition. This angers me because I am not a baby making machine. My father spent years obsessing over having a grandson and it did not have to have the Byrne surname. It just had to be a healthy baby boy in the family. Not one of us girls produced that boy and my father never got to see his wish followed threw. Each time one of us fell pregnant he would have his fingers crossed. Only for him to be told it was another girl.

I am now forty years old with other medical issues to take into account and the conversation I am having is uncomfortable. Once my husband hangs up the phone I tell him what his father said. Steve shrugs his shoulders like it is nothing. I ask if he had told his father about my issues. He said no and said it does not matter. How can it not matter if his father is sat on the edge of his seat waiting for his grandson to appear. Then I tell him you know you will have to swoop me for a newer model. This body is dropping to bits after all. Then I ask does it bother you not having a son? His reply was not as I expected, but deep down I should of known.

“We shall see!” What does this mean? We shall see? Then followed by I’m not ready.

 He went on to explain why it was important to his father to have a grandson. Not that I did not know why it was important to him. Like I said my father died not seeing his wish come true. Part of me would love to have a son and I know if Steve left me for  that it would break my heart into.

A conversation I had a few years ago about men and affairs opened my eyes. Her husband unbeknown to her had an affair and brought up a separate family. It was only when her husbands’ grandchildren came knocking on her door that the revelation of his adulterous indiscretions came to light.

I am slowly becoming numb to the comments that rear from Steve’s mouth. Some would say I was over analyzing the situation and searching for problems. It is like a Pandora’s box waiting to burst out its contents and what you are searching for will come out.