How I Feel Right Now!

22^nd September 2009

Sometimes it is not good to lock yourself away. You need to see faces and listen to gossip. Gossip is good takes your mind off the day to day routine. It makes you realise that things could be a lot worse. I listen to the other mothers around me and realise I actually have nothing in common with them. I talk for talking’s sake, but absolute rubbish dribbles out my mouth.

How can you explain to people what you’re going through without pity or sorry coming out of their mouths? I have few friends that I talk too and you can’t keep repeating yourself. I want to question at least understand this diseases. When I was diagnosed with diabetes the library was my home. But the home I have found to replace the library is the internet. It is easy private and you can go to it when you choose. I wanted to control the diseases and understand its triggers. I’m not a doctor, but I wanted to know more. At least then the old saying knowledge is power comes into play. I head home feeling isolated and lonely.

Then my neighbour next door sees me entering my home.

“You ok love?”

I look at her replying a quick yes at her.

“No news yet Sarah?”

“No.” I reply with a smile. “They won’t tell me until Wednesday.”

“Well I have my fingers crossed firmly for you.”

I smile at her not so convincing and open my front door.

My neighbour is a lovely woman who is in remission from cancer. She cares for her husband who is house bound except for the odd trip to hospital. They are both elderly, but she throughout treatment last year kept going. She did not see the point in sulking and locking herself away. It was hard on her when her husband took a turn for the worst at the same time. But he is a stubborn old man who won’t be pushed around by nothing. They are a match made in heaven equally in every way. You can hear the odd discussion in there garden “You cantankerous old foul, come here?” has she helps him into the garden.

It was always said that I was not the marrying type, friends and family were shocked when I told them. My example of what married life was is my mum and dad’s relationship. That marriage was not the perfect example to follow. It was no surprise after thirty seven years they divorced in the end. Even when I look back I feel a sense of guilt that they could not of sorted it out. Especially after the way my dad passed away. You see they had too many women in one bed. My fathers’ mother or my grandmother who I dislike to the hilt. She has a personality that is complex and manipulative like most mother-in-laws. I and my two sister who are jealous of each other and my mum. Like I said too many women in one bed stirring up trouble.

I would tell my dad he should be enjoying life, but he was preoccupied with everyone else. His responsibility was to his family, but no-one else was putting their life on hold. Meantime mum was constantly complaining about how she is taken for granted.

That is how I feel right this very moment. That Steve does not see me just his work and university. His excuse is the main earner and this economic climate we have to be careful, but what about the fun. Where has all the laughter gone in our marriage?

We are both trying so hard to put on a happy exterior and that is far from the truth. This cancer is like catching a bus or that’s how it feels. It is just another day with another problem that can be ridden out. You expect more of a responses physically and nothing. We might as well be sleeping in separate beds the way things are. If only Steve could see past the trees he has planted and look at my over grown garden with too many weeds.