Dreams & Plans

15^th February 2010

It is amazing how the human mind works when you are clearly stressed. Last night I had the strangest dream.

A robin came into the house looking for somewhere to nest. Sophia had been playing with a small box and had padded it out. The robin decided it would nest in the box Sophia had made. We had a kitten, but Steve hates animals. Steve laughed said the robin would be dead now, but the robin and the kitten were happy with each other. The robin and box vanishes and I’m franticly searching for it. It turns up on the work surface in the kitchen with a tea towel covering it. I lift the tea towel the robin flies out at me in annoyance for me disturbing her.

Then I find myself in our back garden and there had been a storm. Sophia leans on a wall and I quickly grab her before she falls down a drop on the other side. I walk down the bottom of the garden with Sophia. There is a drainage dyke over following and running fast with rain water.

Steve is stood on the patio shouting, “Don’t go near there! I told you! Don’t go near there!”

A piece of wood I’m stood on gives way and I and Sophia fall in. The current is strong and we float down stream. I find a way of climbing onto some concrete steps. Both I and Sophia are shivering with cold. In the distance I see a group of people and ask for their help. They refuse flatly; I and Sophia are left to find our own way back home.

I wake up thinking what is that about? I guess I will never know, but that was one strange dream. 

The postman delivered my appointment for repeat ultra sound core biopsy to be done 24^th February. It is a 3.30pm appointment so Steve will have to make arrangements for Sophia and school.

I am still annoyed at the events of the previous weeks. I just cannot forget what has happened innocent flirting or not.

I must get out of this house meet new people. This would be instead of the conversation focusing on my husbands’ affairs. 

Steve has not bothered to do anything for valentine’s day. Not that I have bothered getting him a card. I made the effort last year and look where it has landed me. Even designed a personal message that sat in the card. Even my ex’s would raise their eyes at that because I have never done it for them. You feel humiliated, vulnerable and weak. The thought that anything you write in a card is meaningless to the other party.

Some days on the calendar you would sooner forget because the grief it creates.

He took me to watch him have a shave and on the way we had a heated discussion about a few issues. Ok it was no romantic date, but it is better than the four walls. I listen to what my husband has to say intently. Maybe I have jumped the gun and the affects of all what I have gone through is causing me to jump to conclusions or not. 

He loves me and maybe I am pushing him away. I have done that in past relationships it is a defence mechanism I have. They get too close for comfort I bolt out and not look back. Steve is the only full on relationship I have been in. The rest including Kayleigh’s birth father I kept at arms’ length.

Maybe the mastectomy has become an excuse to hide from bigger problems that I would sooner not face. Ok so it could of been some stupid women who wanted to causes trouble. Steve did say it was on the table and he must of picked it up by accident with other paperwork. The truth is I am on my guard and excuses for his behaviour or falling short of the mark.