Take A Chance Who Knows What’s Around The Corner

Both interviews went well and once my references are clear for one which is the volunteer position. I will be back in the driving seat doing what I love creating smiles.

My second interview was for a television advert for JML. I learned loads from that meeting not sure if it is for me though. I hate the idea of deceiving the public into buying crap. They were looking for people who are very convincing on camera. This is fine when you’re trying to sell a product for a company, but something doesn’t sit right for me. Anyway it is a start doing a local community project rather than a false smile. And the payment for doing the advert is not payment it is to cover cost and travel expenses.

Whilst I was researching the advert interview I found a website searching for actors for a film. I checked it all out and found it to be genuine so I’m going to have a crack at it. It was an improv piece and I kind of enjoyed it. When I was at secondary school my drama teacher said I should do acting. Apparently he rated me highly in my reports from school, but I did not have the confidence to follow it through I always saw me as a no body. That’s why I say I’m a background person rather than up front. I think doing the calendar shoot made me look at myself differently. I may not be the best looking women out there, but I have character. I had already done a couple of appearances on Television before now as a contestant. At the time I was trying to raise cash to get my own home for me and my eldest. The production team even then said the camera loved me, but they say anything to build your confidence up.

When I met Steve all that excitement fell to the wayside and I become a mum for the second time. So doing the calendar made me realise what I was missing out on. It is not about being in a film. It is about saying I can do that. I had a good nosey at all the other pieces on the web page and stuck my neck out. If the axe comes down then so be it I can say I tried.

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/sarahmendoza0770

Cupcake sleeve (Hungry Caterpillar theme)

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X-rays & Fundraising

This week I have had the luxury of having an x-ray done on my lower back. I know this is nothing and a pre-cautionary measure by my GP. I’ve been getting back pain for a few months, but it was slowly getting worse and affecting my walking. Personally I put it down to the fact I have had so many painkillers which has affected my bowel movements.  In other words I’m constipated and it is bloody painful. Constipation that word is never mentioned when we are young or that it can give you back pain, but becomes part of life when you reach a certain point. I would whisper to friends I’m bunged up and need a remedy (Prunes) rather than discuss it with my GP, but prunes are not doing their job. Oh well my GP is insistent I have an x-ray first to make sure nothing sinister is lurking.

My phone has been busy also and I have two interviews to go to. This is a welcomed distraction from the hum ding of boredom at home. Life must go on and I just can’t wait to find out whether either interview flourishes into something that finally puts a smile on my face. I am a grafter who loves the buzz of chatter and smiling faces that have achieved something that they thought they could not do. That is the whole point of the design of art and craft. To share the knowledge you have achieved in designing something so they can have a crack at it themselves. Art and design is all about self development whilst exploring different techniques that are out there. I just hope I remember all what I am typing when I go to my first interview. I am confident that at least one interview will lead to a job it is just one is paid the other is not. Well beggars cannot be choosers in this current climate.

The good thing is in my free time the other day I did some fund raising in South Bromley. I was there with a bucket and sash requesting donations for a machine that would help with solving lymphodema. Thankfully I only had four lymph nodes removed, but those that have all removed are at high risk of swelling. This is a very painful condition with the smallest cut leading to fluid build up in their arm or leg that can flare up at anytime. This machine can help avoid the misery of surgery and the threat of lymphodema with a simple scan.

With my youngest daughter there holding the bucket asking for donations people were more than willing to dip in their pockets. A cute face and a bright smile is an excellent secret weapon on the sympathy vote to raise cash. I and another fund raiser got talking about how certain people avoid giving. I mentioned I had four twelve year old boys give my daughter a penny each. My reply is well every penny counts and thank you very much with a smile, but what I said is very true. They may have found it funny giving just four pence, but those four pence is important never the less. So please keep giving those pennies kids because they end up in the sewers anyway when your pockets weigh too much.

It does not matter whether it is a penny or a pound as long as the goal is achieved. You cannot go in all hopeful Rome was not built in a day it takes time and me and my youngest have offered our services for next month. Once people see your face on a regular occurrence especially a six year old child who I might add enjoyed doing the fund raising experience. It will ripple and giving a penny or a pound will not be so hard to a service their mum, sister or Nan may need.

Thank you Lyn and the others involved we had a lovely day xxx

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Lets Not Mask The Facts.

I’ve been thinking whilst analyzing a couple of BC blogs. This is a bad thing because I go into overdrive and sometimes ask myself too many questions.

Are we being driven into a false sense of security?

The BC statistics are a rounded off figure not a true representation of the facts in my opinion. Personally when tallying the figures I would like to know about metastasis/secondary’s and time frames. (Especially after reading this one particular blog recently.) Her arguments are valid and portray the truth about BC and finding a cure. Other BC sufferers would sooner not know because they want to move forward this I respect, but I want to nitpick the true facts of BC not a written placebo.

If you confront an oncologist with the information that is there for all to read on the internet or newspaper, you are told not to worry because it does not affect you and your treatment. But what are the true figures to this dark cloud that hangs over our heads? If I mention to any medical professional that another person has a reoccurrence of this disease. Their reply is but they can go on for years with treatment. These words they are quick to regurgitate like a record that is stuck. There is an instant explanation waiting to be triggered by even questioning the treatment for BC.

Should I feel safe?

Clearly that is the wrong attitude to have because no-one is safe from reoccurrences no matter what stage the BC. It is a game of chance that you do not fall in that percentage that is dished out and quickly forgotten. The mentality that the medical establishment have on treatment to keep the masses calm about the facts is blasé with a smile and a percentage.

My plastic surgeon meeting clearly indicated all is not so straight forward with any treatment for BC and reconstruction. The hesitation and excuses for me not having my nipple done indicates they are airing on the side of caution with my treatment.

Yet my oncologist is in a rush to shift me along the conveyer belt that is ready for me to climb on board.

Consultants in their eagerness to treat don’t want you to question even though it is encouraged, but they do want a nodding dog that is easy to treat. I have clear examples of this with typed correspondents from my past medical records when questioning my treatment on diabetes and my first pregnancy. Mistakes can be made, but who takes responsibility? Normally you would not read their inner thoughts on your medical notes, but they were frustrated with my intense questioning.

19 November 1996

Letter to Dr H

Many thanks for your fresh note about Sarah Byrne the young woman with whom myself and Andrea had a long session, which was predominantly a counselling session today. She is clearly angry about her various health problems and it was necessary to let her anger subside before we could proceed to any discussion of her problem with impaired glucose tolerance, its significance and how to proceed with it. She has had a lot of advice from friends and relatives, quite apart from professional advice and is a very confused young lady. It is important to clarify her impaired glucose tolerance has not progressed to frank diabetes, so I am arranging a glucose tolerance test.

She wants to know more about her prospects for a future pregnancy, but bearing in mind her problems during her previous pregnancy several years ago, she also had several questions with regard to her cervical problem for which I understand she is due to have a colposcopy performed by Mr H on the 10 December. It was inappropriate for me to attempt to answer these questions, but I am sending a copy of this letter to Mr H who would be in a better position to deal with questions in this area.

I think her weight loss is caused by her excessive calorie restrictions earlier this year. She has now gone the other way and eats lots of cream cakes etc. I think it will be important to get her further dietary advice and we will take this up on a further visit as she didn’t want to take up the offer of dietetic advice today. Unless she has progressed to frank diabetes she needs to be discouraged from testing her urine.

I will review her after the glucose tolerance test.

Mr W

I was freshly diagnosed as a diabetic and going through the very early stages of cervical cell changes which would of lead to cervical cancer if left.

They had taken me into a room and expected me to except something that should have been explained to me after having my eldest daughter in 1990. Not only that, but I was going to be angry because my family at the time thought I might be anorexic.

I had gone into over drive where my diet was concerned and changed it around. This in turn caused my weight to drop very quickly. I had not taken into account that when changing your diet your metabolism has to stabilise itself. Questioning their way of thinking rather than obey the rule of the nodding dog was upsetting my consultant. 

My list of why’s and what for’s was to find out the truth about treatment I received. But the consultant did not have the time or patients to help me understand why errors were made during my pregnancy. I understood he was not present at the time and it was in a different hospital, but I had a right to vent my frustration at being informed six years later of certain events that took place.

The very questions/answers I put forth to the consultant about diabetes are now written and accepted in medical journals worldwide. The consultant at the time dismissed me and said there was no evidence of what I was trying to say. The question was simple is there a connection between diabetes and pre eclampsia? He said no, but I argued there was after researching diabetes. This irritated the consultant at the time and he found me to be not so easily pleased with his replies.

My family never knew of my situation until much later and the cream cakes were words said in defiance and anger against a person who did not want to listen. If I remember rightly my reply was I might as well go to a cream cake shop and stuff my face by the way I have been treated. His reply was but that will not solve your problem will it Miss Byrne.

I sensibly took a friend along with me who is well educated and knew what to ask, but even she to this day cannot understand how a hospital could make so many errors and still hold its head in defiance. It was clear that the hospital was in the wrong and someone should apologise, but that was not going to happen.

This very consultation left me feeling let down at my treatment past and present. The thought of returning to the hospital for further appointments was a no go and I sensibly dealt with my diabetes on my own without medical intervention for many years. This meant I was less stressed and not calorie counting as he put it.

When I received a copy of these notes March 2010 I was not surprised by the correspondence between my GP and hospital, but if you ask questions does that mean you are an erratic patient? 

At the beginning of the BC journey you have a calendar hung up and you jot down every appointment you receive. But after a period of time you stop writing the appointments down in the hope it will be your last, but the folder you start to keep with the appointment letters in gets heavier and becomes distorted with the weight of questions you long to be answered, but are too scared to ask just in case the above reaction happens.

My husband and friends say as long as I remain positive cancer will not return, I should keep repeating that to myself. This is easily said than done when every ache makes you ask yourself do I go and get checked. I have read so many stories of BC survivors ignoring these aches and finding out much later that their niggling doubt was right.

I can clearly understand the anger and frustration that some women begin to feel towards BC. The truth is far from pink it is more black/grey with lots of tears.

So this now leads me to the pink BC brigade that we all see. So who sat in a room and attached pink to breast cancer? Was she a flower power maiden who burnt her bra in defiance by any chance? I think not! The truth be known? She was probably a housewife who wanted the closet attitude of BC to be removed and raise some much needed cash for research. She did not know that it would become such a money making racket, but most probably hoped it would to solve the lack of funds in areas across the board. 

I never wore pink as a child or adult until now. It was the colour I associated with dumb blondes and fake tans even though it suited me, but I avoided it like the plague. So why have I had a change of heart about wearing baby pink? The truth is I actually don’t know. You think by joining the masses you are achieving something, but the brand does not sit well with all. The pink ribbon has been traded in as the pity those with breast cancer symbol, but that is not the true colour of BC. The real value of pink is in multi billion pound research industry that has latched on. As long as pink is attached to BC the money will keep rolling in to satisfy its needs. As for the little housewife that created the pink brigade she has long gone just another statistic left in the BC void.

There are women out there fighting for the facts and not hiding behind the over exploited colour pink. In the same way I tried to fight for the answers back in 1996 and were dismissed as neurotic.

They are tired of; oh everything is fine routine and would like the real facts about BC. Their anger to a colour that was clearly attached to distinguish male from female has no place in the BC realm of facts and figures. It is society’s way of burying the true tears and torment of this hated disease.

I am not satisfied with the reply well they can go on for years with treatment.

I would like to feel that those BC suffers who are fighting this disease head on are receiving the treatment not the placebo answer to keep them going. Until we truly understand and know the full facts not scribbled down estimates about BC. The pink will be used as a money making event to mask the facts. This makes me feel uncomfortable and very let down. The system is both secretive on targets and quick to hide behind fiction rather than dishing out the facts. Why is breast cancer on the rise really? Is it being triggered by something more than we are led to believe? I know I am high risk for this disease and I know what my trigger is, but until a cure is found I am clearly in the dark like many other BC survivors.

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Sarah Mendoza is fundraising for Cancer Research UK

Sarah Mendoza is fundraising for Cancer Research UK

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Blank Space

Had a wonderful visit to the Big C hospital I say with sarcasm in my voice. Don’t get me wrong the plastics consultant was lovely. We had a good old natter about my imposter, but I went in the room all positive. Only to leave feeling frustrated and fed up. My intention was that I should be able to walk in ask for a nipple and walk out, but my situation had to be more complicated than that. I must wait a further three months before they will attempt to put me on the waiting list for a nipple. Apparently my breast is still not level with my other breast and it still needs more time to settle. He offered me a silicone nipple for the time being whilst I wait, but I went on to explain. The nipple is not for me but my husband. To him I will not feel right until that final bit of surgery is done. I could see alarm on the consultants face at what I was saying. After all what my husband thinks and feels is not priority on his list? But I explained it is not just about me it is about my husband too. He has to look at me with no clothes on. A silicone nipple although amusing is a constant reminder. The consultant explained with the silicone nipple you can move it about. So it can match up with your current nipple. I understood what he was trying to tell me, but I want normality back. Not some nipple that can float around and drop off at will.

Part of me wishes I was not married and under no pressure to please. After all it is me who is going through all the prodding and poking. I know if I was not with Steve I would not both with a damn nipple.

When you start the BC journey you block out static noise. What I mean by static noise is the bad that can occur. This is for sanities sake even though I was pre focused on my opposite breast. Not once did I feel my imposter was going to be rejected and I still feel this way. But after my discussion with the plastic surgeon I now have to dissect the static noise and listen to it. He went into great detail about how even though the breast is fine now. The implant still maybe rejected in a years’ time which could mean redoing the permanent nipple. His reasoning I understood, but I am tired.

The nurse that was present was staring at me with a blank expression. Her eyes spoke a thousand words without her facial muscles moving. I so wanted to shout boo and get her to change her expression at least. No my chest is not perfect, but it beats a blank space. At least she could say something positive instead of staring.

At the end of my consultation I was not swayed into getting a silicone nipple. He said he wanted me to be happy after all that is what they are there for. The silicone nipple was a quick and easy solution, but I did not want it. Besides I know when I see Miss S my oncologist she would be asking why the job is not complete.

When my husband returned home from work I went into great detail what was discussed in the consultation. His reply was but Sarah what do you want? In my head I want my old life back, but out loud I said normality. But what is normality with BC?

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No More Glitches Plzzzz

My appointment to have my stitches removed from under my breast went without a hitch literally. I hate it when a stitch gets snagged and it makes you yelp, but this time all was smooth.

Had an interesting and informative conversation with the nurse who had to do the task. She complimented me on being such an easy patient to deal with. She found I was totally relaxed about my breast reconstruction which is not always the case. Patients will look elsewhere in the room or try to shield their eyes from seeing it. My reply was direct. But what else can I do? Cry! My tears are long gone believe me. If I ever shed any at all it was through frustration out of not being in control. My breast may not be perfect or even mine, but I am here and talking. My situation could be a lot worse than the scares I show off. Besides I get to have a tattoo for free and without pain. I smile at the nurse and hold my hands up in the air as if challenging some hidden Mr meaner that caused me all this trouble. Like I said it is all about control you can feel sorry for you or beat it into submission. Don’t you find that you want to be in control as a nurse?

Her reply was also direct. I would not like to be sick no matter what. The thought of going through what many women that passes my door does scare me.

Again I’m drawn to the fact medical staff know and see everything. At times you can understand why they switch off and go through their day in an automated way. It gives them the strength to support rather than have an emotional outburst, but at times you question where all that emotion gets stored.

I dropped off at the Maggie centre to have my usual cup of coffee. Isn’t it strange how someone else’s coffee can taste better than yours? I do not drink coffee at home or tea, but if out and about I’ll have a social cuppa. It breaks the routine into whilst discussing utter rubbish to pass the hours away. I think that little conversation I had with the nurse has spurred me into a positive. As I walk from the Big C hospital grounds down towards Hammersmith I feel a smile emerging.

My life is on the up; my hubby bought me a bunch of flowers with a bowel of crab/sweet corn soup for Valentine’s Day. That is way more than I got last year and something tells me the tide is changing for the better I hope. They say to make a relationship work you must take the rough with the smooth. Our relationship has had a lot of rough with no smooth to speak of. Little things can make a heap of difference to get things back on track. Let us hope that from now on there are no more glitches to spoil things.

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A Tiny Robin Can Kick Arse!

This month is a busy month for appointments. First I had a review of my eyes which showed no signs of diabetic retinopathy. Then I had my dressing checked on my breast at The Big C hospital. The nurse was pleased at the clinic and my stitches are to be removed on 14th. I also have my MOT of bloods to be taken on the 17^th for diabetes. On the 21^st I have my review for nipple reconstruction with Mr H at Big C hospital. So it is a case of buses and tubes with a lot of waiting in between.

The diabetes is an issue that sadly needs medication for it to be controlled now, but if I hear one more person say stay away from chocolate again I’ll thump them. It takes more than a piece of chocolate for diabetes to become an issue. Yes I do need to take control of my sugar levels in my blood stream, but I say the whole situation is more complex. Your blood when not achieving energy has a habit of burning fats from your body which in turn elevates your sugar levels. My nurse said it clearly shows you have good management of your sugars levels because you have remained border line for twenty years. So I stick a single finger in the air at those trying to stress me out about my eating habits lol. Yes I enjoy chocolate, but I eat it in moderation depending on what I have consumed that day. Not only that I tell the truth when I speak to my consultants rather than say I’m a perfect patient. Being on the ball with any medical condition rather than locking yourself away is the only way to be. Let’s face the truth diabetes and cancer is not the best position to be in, but it is being managed.

The Race for Life sponsorship is going well or at least it will be. After recent events that took place on my FB page I realise as usual that I am in control. Friends and acquaintance have offered their services in trying to raise the cash. I have an excellent idea which is now being used and could turn into a business if handled correctly. My life is slowly moving forward without a doubt and on a level I can manage. To be perfectly honest I have never felt this excited in months. So bring it on! I’m a tough bird after all just like Mr Robin.

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