Blank Space

Had a wonderful visit to the Big C hospital I say with sarcasm in my voice. Don’t get me wrong the plastics consultant was lovely. We had a good old natter about my imposter, but I went in the room all positive. Only to leave feeling frustrated and fed up. My intention was that I should be able to walk in ask for a nipple and walk out, but my situation had to be more complicated than that. I must wait a further three months before they will attempt to put me on the waiting list for a nipple. Apparently my breast is still not level with my other breast and it still needs more time to settle. He offered me a silicone nipple for the time being whilst I wait, but I went on to explain. The nipple is not for me but my husband. To him I will not feel right until that final bit of surgery is done. I could see alarm on the consultants face at what I was saying. After all what my husband thinks and feels is not priority on his list? But I explained it is not just about me it is about my husband too. He has to look at me with no clothes on. A silicone nipple although amusing is a constant reminder. The consultant explained with the silicone nipple you can move it about. So it can match up with your current nipple. I understood what he was trying to tell me, but I want normality back. Not some nipple that can float around and drop off at will.

Part of me wishes I was not married and under no pressure to please. After all it is me who is going through all the prodding and poking. I know if I was not with Steve I would not both with a damn nipple.

When you start the BC journey you block out static noise. What I mean by static noise is the bad that can occur. This is for sanities sake even though I was pre focused on my opposite breast. Not once did I feel my imposter was going to be rejected and I still feel this way. But after my discussion with the plastic surgeon I now have to dissect the static noise and listen to it. He went into great detail about how even though the breast is fine now. The implant still maybe rejected in a years’ time which could mean redoing the permanent nipple. His reasoning I understood, but I am tired.

The nurse that was present was staring at me with a blank expression. Her eyes spoke a thousand words without her facial muscles moving. I so wanted to shout boo and get her to change her expression at least. No my chest is not perfect, but it beats a blank space. At least she could say something positive instead of staring.

At the end of my consultation I was not swayed into getting a silicone nipple. He said he wanted me to be happy after all that is what they are there for. The silicone nipple was a quick and easy solution, but I did not want it. Besides I know when I see Miss S my oncologist she would be asking why the job is not complete.

When my husband returned home from work I went into great detail what was discussed in the consultation. His reply was but Sarah what do you want? In my head I want my old life back, but out loud I said normality. But what is normality with BC?