Cancer, But So What!

My usual two miles to school and back is always an eye opener especially when people take their time to walk and talk with me.

As I walk with another mum home we talk about my high spirited attitude and how she found it uplifting because I am always laughing. Apparently she admired the fact even though I’ve had issues I still managed to joke about my treatment. My reply was because people make decisions not cancer. Cancer hates laughter or so I’ve been told… raising my now thinning eyebrows…

I have learnt to avoid the tears and feeling like life is unfair I must remain realistic in some way. Yes tears, anger and fall outs with this cancer treatment come with accepting and understanding the conveyor belt I now share and I don’t shy away from showing it. It is not everyone else’s cup of tea because tolerances differ, but with me I will not let my treatment drag me down that deep dark silent rabbit hole of despair. Whereas others do need that extra support to vent, I have decided I don’t. I have been there and done that and it did not help to solve my situation… so I laugh and joke it is my way of dealing or coping… it’s not something to be admired... it’s who I am…

I don’t need my husband to accept my scars or friends because I know their opinions mean nothing. Friends come and go, and so can my husband if he feels I’m not good enough I have plenty replacements in the side lines. I don’t shy away from speaking my mind or expressing my opinions when others would sooner I remain silent, but that is who I am. If I did things any differently both my treatment and my personality would implode then I would not be laughing would I.

I explain to her how I have a strong image of me sat in a chair grumbling wishing I had done that, and the fear of knowing the only reason I didn’t was because I was busy trying to keep others happy. That story is something I dread because if you are not careful it can so easily happen. I don’t care about what idiots think because my priority is to my young daughter and myself. I cannot control cancer, but I can control the time I have and being a miserable buggar is not me.

I personally see everything very simplistically which means I don’t waste my time on the word NO! I am a very kind nature stubborn self-opinionated person with personal goals set out and these goals are not welcomed by everyone, but so what!

She smiled and agreed with what I was trying to explain to her. Yes I say to her I have cancer but cancer is cancer it won't wipe this beaming smile off my face. The clock is still ticking and it all falls down to me in how I use those seconds. Besides the 282 bus could hit me tomorrow have you seen the way they drive on this road… she laughed and gave me a big hug of support…