Once Upon A time

Once upon a time I did not have breast cancer nor did I carry the fear, but it is strange how the pages fill out as each page turns. The chapters of past events have taught me valuable lessons not just because of the breast cancer.

Even though people have come and gone I am still here. The harshness of BC you cannot hide from nor the guilt you feel, but you must remain positive to this disease.

From this day whatever decisions I make influence my path and people that tag along in my shadow. My family are my priority, but I cannot ignore my needs. The question I ask and many others have implied, is there anything in my life that I would change? The answer is no because it is impossible to change the past. Wishful thinking cannot change past events. No-one is to blame for my body misbehaving in life. So why change what I have become?

The words ignorance is bliss do come close to how I really feel. If I was ignorant I would not know the true reality of BC and its aftermath. It would be a case of denial, but ignorant is not something I can attach my name to. The fact is if I was ignorant I would not have caught the disease in time to reverse the outcome.

I watch Sophia live out her childhood without a care in the world.

She does not want to see me stressing myself out about something she clearly has no understanding of, but truthfully could affect her in more ways than one. My eldest daughter is from a previous relationship with no history of BC on the fathers side, but my youngest does not have that luxury. I pray that both my daughters once upon a time stories do not have the hic-ups I have had to endure, but the worry I must admit eats away at me some nights.

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Candy Culture

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. She had read a couple of my blogs and visited those I had added as other interesting blogs to read. She said I cannot understand why people are so angry towards a colour that creates revenue that could provide a cure?

This is a logical response from someone who has not been affected by breast cancer. I said when I did the cupcakes to be sold did I take anything from the profits. She said well no! I said when you walk into a supermarket and pay £14.99 for a pink top that raises money for breast cancer. How much is given to a breast cancer charity? She said I don’t know! I said well the normal percentage is 10%. All items that are available on shop floors with the pink attachment are 10% or 20%.

Have you ever asked yourself where the remaining 90% goes? She shrugs and I continue. The majority of products with the pink attachment cost pence rather than pounds to make. They are normally made in sweat shops in Asian countries.

How much profit each year do you think is made on pink items alone? She said again I don’t know! I replied well neither do I, but these women are not only questioning pink they are questioning the exploitation of pink for breast cancer. Their anger is not just about a colour it is more than that, it runs deep. Personally I would like a more even percentage given to charities. If they are able to still reduce the pink product and still make a profit whilst giving the 10% to a charity. Does that not tell you how far companies are going?

The candy culture of cancer needs an administrator. Charities are facing cut backs thanks to the economic climate and relying heavy on donations and that 10% off products sold. Pink is being exploited and when someone shouts about it because cancer is far from pink. They are seen has being bitter, but if you ever spoke to any of these women you would realise they are scared. Their lives are in medical hands because the treatment they are on is their survival not a cure, but what if they could be on a better treatment and cost was standing in the way of treatment being used? This is happening as we speak people are being refused drugs because of cost. What if the funds that could be made from the candy culture are funding a nine bedroom mansion? She said I understand, but at least there is some money getting through. I said but not enough because unlike me who gives her time 100% without a pound/dollar sign attached others are reaping the benefits. Pink has become a trade mark for breast cancer. If that is the case should it be vetted like all trademarks?  

The candy culture is a million pound/dollar industry that should be managed. That request is echoed on blog boards and FB all the time. Breast cancer is not pink it is a treadmill of endless tears and frustration.

You have three groups of women. One group does not care about pink. Another group remains silent and on the fence. Then there is a group that hates pink and titillation of BC to the back teeth and voice it. We should respect all views and my personal opinion is getting a grip of the true identity of breast cancer and its affects. Her opinion is whilst it does the job then you have to except it, but that is the wrong attitude to have. The very treatment I am on someone or even herself could face or worse. And yes whilst I have been all smiles and keeping busy which hides the hidden truth of the torment. It still leaves a strong question; if pink is such good fun where is this damn cure?

Should certain companies that exploit pink drop their profit from the product altogether and give it to Cancer research UK or another charity? That is the real question people should be asking. Why are companies gaining profit from breast cancer? Not why are you angry at pink? That answer is clear as day if you are having endless bouts of chemotherapy.

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Don't Be a Doubting Thomas

We can wallow in self doubt or we can embrace the cards we have been dealt. No amount of research I do will change the dark cloud that follows me. My life is in the hands of Mother Nature herself and always has.

If my cancer returns, or not, I intend to live every second remaining with the vigour and zeal it deserves. I admire those people that want to research every fact and poll, but it will not change their or my position just frustrate an already stressed out mind. All we can do is be vigilant and quick to speak out if we have concerns. That is the legacy of the breast cancer lottery. Whether I bang on about wanting a cure it will not change the hideous truth. For some the cure remains elusive with no glimmer of hope to survive it’s grasp. Men and women are dying of this dreadful disease every day.

I have taken control of the beast that lays dormant in my body and I am filling my days with new experiences. I cannot live for breast cancer and the torment it creates.

Thankfully I am now having experiences that once upon a time I would have said Sarah you cannot do this. I need to regain self belief that breast cancer will not be the last words I utter, but the total opposite.  For if I had listened to doubting Thomas I would not have been chosen for a role in a movie.  

I want to see and gain valuable skills on a film set and that is exactly what I am doing. I would love to see a script I have written become something more than words on paper, but I also need to develop self belief in me and who I am. It does not matter what others think. What is important is I can say I was there and I damn well tried. I could live till I am a hundred for all I know, but when you start to doubt in your ability to recover. That is when you enter a whole new chapter of events. Personally I do not want to live off doubt, but belief that I can do anything I set my mind too.

So to those that say hey you’re a nobody trying to be a somebody. Yes, but isn’t that what life is about. To strive and overcome adversity in a time when doubt overshadows a bad experience. To me that is something to be admired in any individual.

I look at breast cancer as a challenge and not my death sentence.  Some would say that is a naive statement, but naivety is to ignore facts. Cancer is not the only killer out there. Sadly across the road from where I live a young man was stabbed to death. Again gang culture in London has swallowed and spat another young life out on the kerb. He was twenty one years old and a very much loved individual who will be sadly missed amongst his family and peers. No doubt the local paper will have more details about the reasons for his death, but still it is a young life that should not have been taken.

The young man that committed the murder will now face a stretch in prison. Both families are facing a life sentence over a pathetic argument that should have been ignored.

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Water For Elephants Premier

Today I went to ‘Water For Elephants’ Premier at Westfield’s in London.

I had a fantastic time with a bunch of girls from all over the place. We sat and chatted from 11am until the actual premier began. Yes it is sad but very true I have become a groupy at the age of forty, but it is all for a good cause. I helped a few of the girls get autographs because I picked a prime spot to gain them. The staff and security were brilliant they made the event enjoyable to the end. I was able to do some valuable networking for a project I have in mind. They gave me some excellent tips on how to do it and who to contact. Meantime I sat back and enjoyed my day with all the screams that have left me with slight titinus in my ears.  

I was lucky enough to get Reese Witherspoons autograph..

oooohhhh Yeah and she is very stunning and about 5 foot 3 at a guess in height.

She wore a stunning blue dress with some fabulous heels.

Very pleasant young lady.. Ty Miss Witherspoon.

Then there was Robert Pattinson who had all the women screaming with excitement. He took his time to go round everyone for well over the hour that was timed. I headed home with a book of signitures and a billboard from the event.

I can honestly say it was a day well spent with loads of very memorable moments to chat with friends and family about.

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Concentrating On The Here & Now

This next month is going to be an excellent month with only positives. I have cupcakes to bake and sell to raise money for  Race 4 Life. The cupcake sleeve designed by me have been agreed and is based on the ‘Hungry Caterpillar’ children’s story book.

This will be taking place on the 9^th and 10^th of May at my youngest daughters primary school. The children in her class will be helping to design/make their own sleeves with pieces already cut out and put together. All the children have to do is stick them on where they want to put the pieces. 

Other people are helping me with getting sponsors on Sophia’s sponsor web page. I have designed a small poster to pass round with the link printed on it. I just need to tread the streets and get people to sign our sponsor sheets also.

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/sarahmendoza0770

In between that I have around twenty costumes for three different productions to design and sew. The first production is being performed at her Majesty’s Theatre very soon.

 I have had to design wing like attachments for nine black leotard bases. These have to be detachable so the leotard can be used again. I have already started on the design and they are looking good. The second production I have to design and sew several fishnet type crop tops with only one sleeve. The over locker will come in handy for that particular job because of the neat seams required. The third production is five simple black cloaks. All these I will photograph and add to my portfolio. Something I did not keep track of before which is my bad.

I have also been told I have a part in a movie only small, but this gives me a chance to see what ticks on a film set. After doing the extra roll on the music video it has given me new found confidence to pursue rather than sit back. The director of the movie asked me to do a couple of auditions and he was pleased with both. I can honestly say my three years at my previous theatre position has not gone to waste. It proves I was learning new skills without even realising it. Never say a old dog cannot learn new tricks I say. The director will be moulding a speaking part for me and if I perform well in the film who knows what other projects I can be involved with. It still could end up on the editor’s floor, but at least I can use the experience as a positive.
The script is interesting and I can see how it is written and how they put it together with an end result. My curiosity to this side of the process of film making is very strong because I have tried to write several scripts for stage. To me it is all a learning curve with valuable skills and networking to be used to the max.

The medication Metformin I have been taking for two weeks with no side effects. This is excellent news because I can be awkward with medication. I have made my next appointment with my diabetic nurse to see where we go from here.
So that leaves me with my plastic surgeon appointment on the 16^th May with my fingers firmly crossed that all goes well.  Even though they would sooner I had a silicone nipple. I am determined to get the surgery to complete my reconstructed breast. Hopefully I will continue to move forward without further occurrences of BC, but who knows. All I can do is concentrate on the here and now.

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Easter Break Away

 

You would have actually thought I was on a horror movie set this past three days just gone. The sea mist/fog that engulfed the east coast was horrendous. My poor daughter only got about thirty minutes on the beach the entire mini Easter break we had away from London. The dense mist was engulfing everything in its path. Some teens on the beach lost their football because the mist was so dense. I personally have never seen sea mist behaving this bad before.

It was really funny watching my mum in her electric motorised chair going along the coast line path at six miles an hour. The mist had a way of swirling around her chair and my daughter who was catching a ride was howling with laughter. In some sections of our walk you would of expected the pirates to swing there sabres or the eerie music to kick in from ‘The Fog’. It would have cost a movie production a small fortune to create such an effect artificially.

On the coast overlooking the beach is a manor called Cliff house. Every time I go to Marske I am transfixed with the design of the building. The house is something out of a Charlotte Bronte novel. It stands alone facing out to the sea with views to knock you off your seat. I said to my mum if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d buy that house and bring it back to its original state. When I saw the fog stroking its stone exterior walls the romantic side of me wanted it even more. It is a shame it has been converted into flats for the elderly, but the history is there to be unravel.

I can imagine the man who chooses that precise place to build that house was a romantic and loved the sea. You could actually imagine a candle being a light by a woman in the window wishing her lover a safe voyage out at sea. Why else build a house so close to the ocean?

Sophia making friends with Barny

The Ship Inn

Anyway our time spent at Marske was a well deserved distraction from the grey surroundings of London. Now I have returned to glorious sunshine and a heap of washing to do.

 





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Why Can't We Be Children And Have Fun?

Is there a happy ever after story? Does this journey have to have so many tears? So far in over one year I have had six women die of BC on my FB page that I am aware of. I would of spoke to them said hello or put a post on their FB page. But recently at some point I actually stopped typing. I was afraid if I started to get involved to much then I would see another smiley face disappear. I have the select few BC girls that I hound on FB and chat to, but the fear had set in. Slowly I am chatting more again and joining in conversations others have, but I am still scared. As I write tears are welling up in my eyes because it is hard to swallow, but this is the reality of BC. That the community you participate in has casualties of this dreadful disease. As selfish as it may seem you pray strong and hard that you will not join that list that is ever increasing.

Then I read a FB post today of I so wish I was a child again. And in some way I can relate to that post. I never wanted to grow up as a child. The thought of makeup and drinking was not on my agenda of important things to do in life. Whilst my friends were propped up at a bar drinking and flirting. I was under a pool table tying boot laces together of some burly biker. I was a mischievous young women not at all mature, but I still am. Maybe that is why I say I am an odd jigsaw piece that does not fit the typical picture.

I want to be a child again, but society forbids it because on the outside I am an adult, but I ask. Is this the reason some of us adults dress up in a tutu and a pink wig? Is this the real reason for all the pink fluffy regalia we see? Does this give the adults an excuse to be a child for just one day? Surely the rebel of an inner child that is bubbling to the surface finally has permission to emerge from its dark hole once again.

I am trying to understand the fascination of pink and the link with BC. And maybe this is it as annoying and preposterous as the pink symbol has become. Maybe we are aching to be children inside to hide our fear/upset towards this disease. The journey of BC strips all sense of worth or value away. Leaving this empty shell of existence that engulfs your very self of well being.

 As a young person I was bullied into believing I was not normal. That my way or idealisms were just immature fantasies. That one day I would have to grow up and realise climbing a tree did not put food on a table.

Why can’t we be children and have fun?

The park I go to in Queensway has the perfect excuse to be a child once again. You have no choice in the matter. It has been designed to be both adult and child friendly. I decided the other week to climb the pirates ship mast to the nest at the top. My daughter thought it was brilliant guiding my every footing to the top. Then to hear the glee of excitement from her voice when I was at the top. This is my mummy she said to other children that tried to climb past me on the way up. When I am with my youngest daughter I am not going to stop being a child because she has no brother or sister. It is the perfect excuse to let the inner child out or at least have fun.

The Princess Diana memorial park in all sense of the word is Neverland. You just have to imagine you are Peter Pan or Tinkerbell.

http://www.royalparks.org.uk/parks/kensington_gardens/diana_playground.cfm

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